As a coach supporting Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs) and empaths, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and understanding the complexities of emotional sensitivity and empathy. In a previous blog, we explored how being an HSP or empath can subtly influence our daily lives. Today, I’d like to delve deeper into another experience some of us might encounter: rejecting or blocking our emotional sensitivity and empathy. Having personally faced this challenge, I found that working through it was key to discovering myself, building deeper connections, and living a more fulfilling life
Recognizing the signs of rejecting emotional sensitivity and empathy
From my own experiences and while helping others, I've noticed that HSPs and empaths can embrace or distance themselves from their emotional sensitivity and empathy to varying degrees. Those who fully embrace these qualities tend to openly express kindness, compassion, and emotional sensitivity. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and generously share their care with others in their personal and professional lives.
However, there are instances where some HSPs and empaths hold back from certain aspects of their emotional sensitivity and empathy due to challenges they’ve faced. This may lead to becoming more detached, aloof, or guarded. Even if they remain kind and giving, they may do so more cautiously or selectively.
I don't believe there's a right or wrong way to be an HSP or empath. In my journey, I once found myself leaning toward the latter. But at a certain point, I realized that I had built a protective wall around myself, which made it harder to experience the full range of emotions. While this shielded me from unpleasant emotions — even allowing me to function in high-stress situations — it also left me feeling disconnected and unable to fully experience joy. An underlying anxiety persisted, and only later did I begin to understand its cause. Over time, I came to see that this protective wall also prevented me from fully loving toward others. In doing so, I denied an important part of who I am as an HSP and empath, leading to uncertainty about my identity and purpose in life.
Understanding why we reject our emotional sensitivity and empathy
Can you recall a time in your life when you were more sensitive, empathic, or giving? And do you remember when that began to change?
There are many reasons we may reject our sensitivity and empathy. Often, we learn that these qualities don't serve us in specific environments. For example:
We may have felt judged or didn't fit in with others because of our emotional sensitivity and empathy.
We may have judged others for their emotions, especially if their feelings led to behavior that harmed us.
Having certain emotions or empathy may have felt too painful, making it difficult to function or succeed in certain settings or situations.
We may have been penalized or taken advantage of for our kindness and compassion.
Such painful experiences can create fear and judgment around our emotional sensitivity and empathy. We may come to believe that if we rejected these qualities, life would be easier and we would feel better about ourselves.
But when we reject these qualities — core parts of who we are — we risk judging and rejecting ourselves. If you're continually suffering from anxiety, self-doubt, or low self-confidence, could that be because you're continually judging yourself? If you feel that something is missing in your life, is it possible that what you're missing is a connection to yourself?
Moving beyond fear and judgment of our emotions, emotional sensitivity, and empathy
Learning to acknowledge and accept our emotions
Before addressing the rejection of emotional sensitivity, it helps to recognize that most people resist certain emotions to some degree. Society often suggests that having, feeling, or expressing unpleasant emotions is undesirable.
Many of us grow up in environments where getting things done is prioritized over pausing to feel or process emotions. As a result, we habitually disconnect from our feelings to move forward.
In addition, many of us lacked family members, teachers, or peers who could simply hold space for us when we experienced difficult emotions. For example, "toxic positivity" — the cultural tendency to dismiss negative emotions in favor of only positive ones — has become a widely recognized concept. But for many, this was simply the norm growing up. Rather than being allowed to feel sadness, we were told to "cheer up." Conversations outside close relationships often focused on surface-level positivity. Few places felt safe enough for us to openly share difficult emotions and feel truly heard and accepted.
In addition to sadness, society has also taught us to judge other "negative" emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy, and shame. Consequently, we may try to suppress them with the hopes of being a "better" human being.
However, I gently invite you to consider a few points:
These emotions may feel unpleasant, but they're not inherently bad. Sometimes we may have associated unpleasant emotions with harmful behavior, but they are two separate things. For example, it's okay for us to feel angry; it's not okay to use that anger to harm someone.
If we want to move out of these unpleasant emotional states, self-judgment isn't the solution; it only exacerbates the issue. For example, if we find ourselves angry and then become judgmental about being angry (by feeling angry, guilty, shameful, etc.), we've just added fuel to the fire.
Suppression also doesn't make the emotion disappear; the emotion is still being held in your body. To understand this, simply recall a moment when you tried suppressing an emotion. Most likely you'll still feel the energy of that emotion somewhere within you.
What then, do we do about these unpleasant emotional states? Taking a mindful and intentional approach to acknowledge our emotions is the first step toward non-judgment. By acknowledging and having self-compassion for having an unpleasant emotion, this can help our body relax and enable those feelings to move through us instead of staying stuck.
Balancing Compassion for Others and Self-Compassion
One common challenge for HSPs and empaths is resisting feelings like anger toward others. Because there is such an innate desire to be good and kind to other people, we may suppress anger to preserve harmony or uphold ideals of forgiveness. This can be even more difficult when anger involves family members. If you find yourself in this position, consider:
Achieving true forgiveness and compassion for others often involves extending these feelings to ourselves and allowing the processing of our own emotions, including anger.
If you're seeking social agreement and harmony, it's worth considering whether you genuinely feel comfortable prioritizing others' emotional needs over your own.
Feeling anger towards someone for a specific action doesn't diminish other feelings we hold for them, such as love.
It’s important to find a balance between showing compassion for others and extending that same compassion to ourselves. When we nurture self-compassion, we can begin to make peace with our emotions rather than struggling against them. This shift is a key element of my coaching approach, creating space for emotional growth and meaningful change to take place.
Understanding the roots of our negative beliefs about our emotions, emotional sensitivity, and empathy
But what if you're overtaken by such strong feelings of fear and judgment toward your emotions that you can't simply acknowledge and accept them? Similarly, what if you have strong feelings of fear and judgment towards your emotional sensitivity and empathy? Underlying these strong feelings is a deep-rooted belief that it's unsafe or wrong to be emotional, sensitive, or empathic.
At times, some HSPs and empaths can be critical of the intensity of their emotional sensitivity. For example, imagine that there's an emotional sensitivity scale that ranges from 0 to 20. If they fully felt and expressed their emotions, their sensitivity could be at a 20. But they prefer not to, so they try to suppress their emotions so they're at a 0. As I discussed in my earlier blog, I believe that HSPs and empaths have an innate emotional sensitivity. However, certain emotional reactions to specific situations might stem from past traumas that are triggered. This presents an opportunity for introspection and healing. But taking personal accountability to change our reactivity to specific situations can be done without beating ourselves up about how we currently are. Instead, we can have self-compassion, fostering understanding and empathy toward ourselves. As we address these prior wounds with compassion, our reactivity and emotional intensity diminishes, paving the way for us to be more comfortable with our innate sensitivity — possibly being closer to 10 on the sensitivity scale.
What else could lead you to develop strong negative beliefs about your emotions and sensitivity? For example, maybe you had experiences of expressing your emotions, but you didn't feel heard, supported, or accepted. Or perhaps you resonated with some of the four experiences listed earlier that could have led you to feel hurt or ashamed about your emotional sensitivity and empathy and to consequently reject them.
Sometimes, it may be necessary to work through the emotional pain from these types of experiences to undo the hold that the resulting negative beliefs have on us. But there's one thing that also needs to be recognized about these experiences: they happened with specific people and in specific environments.
Rather than attributing these unpleasant experiences to being in the wrong company or environment, we often hold ourselves accountable for the "problem" of being sensitive and empathic. We were led to believe that we were "too sensitive," "too empathic," or "too kind," and that we needed to adapt to fit in. But could it be that we were just among certain people and environments that didn't fit with us?
If you're still surrounded by the same types of people or in environments that lead you to reject or suppress your emotions, sensitivity, and empathy, it's worth considering if you still want to interact with those individuals in the same way or stay in those kinds of environments. Imagine what it would be like to spend more time with people and in places where you can just be yourself.
Determining which emotional reactions to be personally accountable for and change vs. assigning accountability to others so you can honor who you are as you are can be challenging. This process often requires deep exploration, and having the guidance of a coach, therapist, or other adviser can be helpful.
The benefits of embracing our sensitivity and empathy
When we work through these challenges and move beyond fear and judgment, it becomes easier to see the value in our emotions, sensitivity, and empathy. These traits help us find clarity, build deeper relationships, and connect with our sense of purpose. Over time, embracing these qualities strengthens our sense of self and allows us to navigate life with greater ease and balance.
If you’d like to explore how to work through your challenges around sensitivity and empathy, consider scheduling an Insight & Strategy Session. This focused, one-on-one session offers a supportive space to gain clarity and take meaningful steps forward.
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